October 9, 2012 was the last day I really cut…it used to be so addictive and easy to hide. It was a high for me..I stopped because I finally found what made that blood course through my veins. I found the purpose of it. My Heart. My husband…..But is it bad that when I get so down so sad and so lost and out of control and hopeless, I still want to cut?…he doesn’t mean to say those things, but it’s always my fault right?? My fault the bathroom mirror has a water spot, my fault the towel is off center…..its my fault he isn’t getting enough sleep for work because I am begging him to pay attention to me for just ten minutes before he falls asleep and it breaks my heart more every single time I have to beg….it’s all my fault. Everything….and I want to cut so badly i had the knife in my hand the last time he was screaming in my ear, yelling at me because i was crying too loudly that I’d wake the neighbor and he just didnt want a complaint… that i was too emotional and too much for him all JUST because i asked for him to love me more physically. i dont need money. i could live on the street. I dont need diamonds or good food. i dont need a car i could ride the bus. i dont ask for anything…all i need is his touch and his heartbeat against mine and his breathing in my ear to calm my whole world, to bring us less stress in this crazy military life of ours…is it too much to ask for loving touches and caresses? is it too much to ask for more lovemaking? …..i shouldnt even have to ask…thats what tears me apart the most….i just want to cut….Its so hard not to…It used to relax me, calm me…. And the only reason I don’t is because of you. And the only reason I want to is because of you.
WHY DONT YOU ALL MESSAGE ME/ASK ME QUESTIONS?!! PLEEEEASEEEEE